I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
