I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
