I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
