if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
