Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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