how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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