Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
