My nipple is on Facebook.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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