omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
