I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
