god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
