he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize