After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
