just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
