To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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