do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Someone came in the potted fern
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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