I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
