I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Randomize
