Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
