Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
