Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
