i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
