she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize