found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
