Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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