my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
