Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
