how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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