Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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