I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
