Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
