Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
