apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
