Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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