what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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