well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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