"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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