can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
