Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
