Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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