so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
