fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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