Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize