she told me i tasted like america
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
