I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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