Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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