I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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