I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
