My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
