Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
