you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
