I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
