i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
