I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
