Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
